Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Change of Scenery.....
I've moved my efforts over to www.skepticshockblog.blogspot.com. Please feel free to join me for more skeptical news satire with the added bonus of discussions of critical thinking, the scientific method, metaphysical naturalism, pseudoscience, irregular medicine, and much more.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Klassic Knudsen: August 29th, 2007.....
Psychic Uses Powers to Contact Man's Dead Third Cousin Once Removed
Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.
"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."
On his gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins revealed that he has no control over what come through from the other side. The spirits seek me out to deliver messages that they feel must be passed on to the living. For example, how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."
Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.
"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."
On his gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins revealed that he has no control over what come through from the other side. The spirits seek me out to deliver messages that they feel must be passed on to the living. For example, how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Jolie-Pitt Twins Sign Historic Intrauterine Movie Deal.....
Nice, France-As the exciting news of Angelina Jolie's admission to Lenval Hospital's Santa Maria maternity clinic in Southern France is uniting the world in celebration, Jolie's physician and representatives from Universal Pictures held a press conference today to announce a historic movie deal.
"This is the first time that any fetus, let alone premature twins, have signed with a major motion picture company," Universal president Ronald Meyer explained. "This kind of thing may happen all the time at the Sundance Institute, but those fetuses pale in genetic comparison to our newest stars."
Staff maternal-fetal medicine specialist Mort Fishman, also in attendance today, expressed some reservations about exposing such immature neonates to the stresses of a Hollywood lifestyle. "I admit that when filming for their first picture, "The Parent Trap V: This Time It's Placental", began at the 20-week ultrasound, I got caught up in all of the glitz and glammer. But as a physician I have to question whether this will continue to be in the best interest of the twins, or the studio, once birth has taken place considering their likely deficiency in pulmonary surfactant and the flat and lifeless lighting from the phototherapy."
"This is the first time that any fetus, let alone premature twins, have signed with a major motion picture company," Universal president Ronald Meyer explained. "This kind of thing may happen all the time at the Sundance Institute, but those fetuses pale in genetic comparison to our newest stars."
Staff maternal-fetal medicine specialist Mort Fishman, also in attendance today, expressed some reservations about exposing such immature neonates to the stresses of a Hollywood lifestyle. "I admit that when filming for their first picture, "The Parent Trap V: This Time It's Placental", began at the 20-week ultrasound, I got caught up in all of the glitz and glammer. But as a physician I have to question whether this will continue to be in the best interest of the twins, or the studio, once birth has taken place considering their likely deficiency in pulmonary surfactant and the flat and lifeless lighting from the phototherapy."
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Scotland Yard Announces Amy Winehouse Made Entirely of Drugs.....
London-Detectives from Scotland Yard announced today during a press conference held at their headquarters at 10 Broadway that they have reason to believe that eclectic singer-songwriter Amy Winehouse now consists almost entirely of drugs.
"The evidence is nearly conclusive at this point," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Warwick Blair explained. "We have a variety of hair and tissue samples, as well as nearly a pint of various bodily fluids, and they are essentially made up of varying degrees of ethanol, heroin, crack and nicotine, with trace amounts of benzene and other industrial solvents."
Concerned for the safety of the citizens of London, who have only just begun to recover from the recent destruction of Heathrow Airport by an enraged Naomi Campbell, Blair has elevated Winehouse to a Category 5 hazardous material and is asking that a 500-foot safety zone be kept around the Grammy-winning artist until a suitable underground containment facility can be constructed.
"The evidence is nearly conclusive at this point," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Warwick Blair explained. "We have a variety of hair and tissue samples, as well as nearly a pint of various bodily fluids, and they are essentially made up of varying degrees of ethanol, heroin, crack and nicotine, with trace amounts of benzene and other industrial solvents."
Concerned for the safety of the citizens of London, who have only just begun to recover from the recent destruction of Heathrow Airport by an enraged Naomi Campbell, Blair has elevated Winehouse to a Category 5 hazardous material and is asking that a 500-foot safety zone be kept around the Grammy-winning artist until a suitable underground containment facility can be constructed.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Area Man Fooled in Supermarket Taste Testing.....
Berryville, AR-When Diet Dr. Shasta enthusiast and Berryville taxidermist Lance Uppercut took part in a blinded taste test comparing his favorite brand and Diet Dr. Pepper today, the last thing he expected was for his life to change completely.
"I've been living a lie all these years," Uppercut explained. "If I don't know something as simple as which cola beverage I prefer than how do I know anything at all? Has my entire life been a charade?"
Shaken by the experience, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Uppercut has left his wife and three children and relocated to nearby Eureka Springs."I just want to say, to Sharon if she's reading this, I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."
"I've been living a lie all these years," Uppercut explained. "If I don't know something as simple as which cola beverage I prefer than how do I know anything at all? Has my entire life been a charade?"
Shaken by the experience, and trying to make sense of a world being seen as if for the very first time, Uppercut has left his wife and three children and relocated to nearby Eureka Springs."I just want to say, to Sharon if she's reading this, I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand why I have to do this."
Friday, June 27, 2008
Study Shows Teens Get Alcohol From Adults.....
Washington-Sending shockwaves across the nation, a new study released today by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reveals that a significant percentage of the 10.8 million underage drinkers in America have been obtaining alcohol from adults, including their parents.
"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."
The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.
"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."
The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wimbledon Officials Reach Agreement with Animal Rights Organization.....
LONDON-People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) United Kingdom announced today during a press conference held at the historic All England Club that Wimbledon organziers had promised to discontinue the use of sharpshooters to prevent pigeons from distracting tournament participants.
"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"
In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.
"We have officially confirmed that the days of senseless and unnecessary murder of our winged brethren in the skies has come to end," PETA UK spokesperson Lord Tannington Somersby of West Puddingshire explained. "Let us welcome a new age of cooperation and cohabitation with the animal kingdom!"
In place of the highly trained marksmen, a state-of-the-art but highly experimental particle beam weapon will be put into use by event coordinators. The weapon's discharge of a concentrated beam of electrons will disrupt the molecular structure of any offending birds, leading to a harmless descent into the waiting arms of PETA volunteers who will be prepared to nurse the temporarily stunned creatures back to health in preperation for their release back into the wild in a nearby animal sanctuary. Scientists estimate that the number of human casualties, made up primarily of those sitting in the bleachers underneath the device but also of anyone within a 5-mile radius that is improperly shielded, will run well into the thousands.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Addition of 17th Grain Heralds End Times.....
Prattville, AL-In a suprising development that threatens not only the future of the baked dough industry, but the very existence of mankind as well, Prattville housewife Susan Taylor achieved what many thought impossible today by incorporating a 17th grain into a loaf of her world famous Susie's Wholesome Whole-Grain.
"I really can't believe I pulled it off," Taylor explained from her thirties inspired bungalow kitchen. "I just hope that there aren't any serious repercussions for humanity."
Culinary experts, like Food Network Vice-President Bob Tuschman, have in the past expressed concern that pushing the envelope of the number of grains added to bread may be asking for trouble on a global scale. "I am seriously afraid that shoving any more grains into bread may tip the scales in the cosmic battle between good and evil and hasten the oncoming of the now unavoidable apocalypse."
"I really can't believe I pulled it off," Taylor explained from her thirties inspired bungalow kitchen. "I just hope that there aren't any serious repercussions for humanity."
Culinary experts, like Food Network Vice-President Bob Tuschman, have in the past expressed concern that pushing the envelope of the number of grains added to bread may be asking for trouble on a global scale. "I am seriously afraid that shoving any more grains into bread may tip the scales in the cosmic battle between good and evil and hasten the oncoming of the now unavoidable apocalypse."
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Klassic Knudsen: August 28, 2007.....
College Athlete Defies Odds
Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, University of Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.
"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."
Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed that "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."
Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, University of Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.
"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."
Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed that "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."
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