Elon Musk Invited to Join First Crewed Boeing Starliner Test Flight.....

Cape Canaveral Space Force Station, FL - In a surprising move by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), billionaire businessman and investor Elon Musk has been invited to take part in the May 6th crewed test flight of Boeing's CST-100 Starliner spacecraft.

Elon Musk, shown here in 2024 competing on American Idol, which he plans to buy if Lionel Ritchie is mean to him

"This will be the first Starliner mission with astronauts aboard," Butch Wilmore, who will command the spacecraft, explained. "The AV-085 Atlas 5 rocket will be used for the launch and we will ultimately dock with the International Space Station (ISP) for a week before landing in the Western US, if everything goes as planned."

Musk, who is one of the wealthiest people in the world and the CEO of both electric car manufacturer Tesla and private space company SpaceX, has stirred controversy since purchasing the social media platform Twitter (now X) in October of 2022. According to mission pilot Suni Williams, an astronaut since 1998 who has logged 322 days in space and the second highest cumulative spacewalk time by a female astronaut, the success of every mission comes down to training and teamwork. "My role as pilot will be to control and operate the spacecraft, to assist the commander as needed, and to ensure that Elon Musk becomes untethered during a spacewalk."

Chiropractic Researchers Study Effects of Eclipse on Spinal Health.....

Falls Church, VA - The April 8th Great North American Eclipse was a once-in-a-lifetime chance for people from Mexico, the United States, and Canada to experience a true wonder of the natural world. It also represented a unique opportunity for chiropractic researchers to study its effects on spinal health.

A woman, shown here in awe as she takes in one of nature's most incredible sights and right before her spine is ripped from her body by the powerful gravitational force of a combined Sun and Moon

"While millions of people were taking in the majesty of the rare celestial phenomenon, we were hard at work in study sites all along the path of totality," chiropractic geophysicist Frank Grimes, DC explained. "We didn't have the luxury to strap on protective goggles and join the crowds. Who even knows when, or even if there will be another eclipse. I mean, we didn't find out about this one until Steve noticed it was getting dark earlier than usual."

The study of eclipses take as much luck as hard work given the random nature of their appearances. According to Grimes, however, expanding our knowledge of how the human spine responds to a sudden blocking of the Sun by the Moon is worth the effort. "A total eclipse allows researchers in relevant chiropractic fields to study changes from the ionosphere down to the individual vertebrae, which might lead to important breakthroughs in clinical practice or exciting new practice building opportunities."

Chiropractors have long served as experts in the diagnosis and treatment of disturbances in the human spine known as subluxations. Subluxations are most primarily linked to common conditions such as neck and back pain, but the development of severe subluxations involving more than one spinal bone can be much more serious. The most concerning subluxation sequelae is Accordion syndrome, first described in 1907 by Robert Accordion, which is when the failure of key support structures results in a total spinal collapse. 

These subluxations, which are often too subtle to be picked up by even advanced medical imaging modalities, have also been discovered in wide variety of non-human animal species when examined by chiropractic experts. Grimes adds that new populations are being found all the time. "We treat horses, elephants, even giraffes. I know a guy who specializes in blue whales. It's inconsistent work, but so rewarding when he gets to watch one head back out to sea with a fully optimized nervous system."

Both the Sun and the Moon are known to have powerful influences over structures on Earth. Anyone who has gotten a sunburn or has been swept out to sea by the ocean tides can attest to that. So it is plausible that their combined might could result in some serious changes to the human body, including the spine. Grimes and his team set out to loo for these changes by evaluating the spines of thousands of patients during the eclipse, and what they found may forever change chiropractic and human healthcare. "They all had subluxations. Every single one of them. And as soon as we fixed one, two more would pop up in its place. I've never seen anything like it, and I attended all six weekends of my fellowship in spinal geophysics."

More Women Turn to Continuous Pregnancy Monitors in Wake of Dobbs Decision.....

Tallahassee, FL - In response to tightening restrictions on access to abortion in many states, more Florida women are turning to a state funded technology that continuously monitors for the onset of pregnancy, allowing more time and more options for seeking medical care.

A Florida woman, shown here just prior to receiving a pregnancy alert text from Steve in the Governor's Office 

"Because of new laws that have emerged in the wake of the Dobbs decision, a lot of women are looking for something to help them feel like they have more autonomy over their bodies and control over their lives," Obstetrician and researcher Mort Fishman, MD explained. "That's where our continuous monitoring system and the database comes into play. When a new pregnancy is confirmed by the device, the state will be alerted and ready to provide guidance, taking a lot of pressure off of the woman."

Once inserted into the uterus, the PermaScan Internal Pregnancy Monitoring and Alert System (PIPMAS), provides constant surveillance for the development of pregnancy using both biochemical assays and direct visualization. According to Fishman, who heads Florida's Department of Internal Surveillance, women are going to appreciate the peace of mind that comes from giving 24/7, real-time information on the health and pregnancy status of their uterus to the Governor's Office. "It will be empowering because they will be free to focus on more important things, like keeping the home and educating their children. The women of Florida are one of our most precious commodities, which is why it will also be legally required that all of them have the device installed prior to their 11th birthday." 

Area Woman Dies from Tragic Brain Injury After Magical Journey Through Time.....

Pine Valley, IL - Pine Valley resident Margaret Turner died today from a rare neurologic injury sustained in the process of returning from a magical journey into the past where she had hoped to make a different choice at a pivotal moment in order see how her life would have turned out if she had never married her husband.

Turner, shown here with her husband a few minutes after realizing how much she still loved him and right before her brain stem exited through the hole in the bottom of her skull

"This sometimes happens with traumatic brain injury induced time jumps," Dr. Mort Fishman, a neurologist at Pine Valley Regional Hospital, explained. "When an individual experiences a second head injury before their brain has fully recovered from the first one, dysfunctional cerebral blood flow can cause an increase in intracranial pressure and herniation of the brain through the foramen magnum. Mrs. Turner must have suffered a second hit to her head while she was looking for a second chance at love. What? Too soon?"

Travelling through time in order to grow as a person, or to realize that what you were looking for all along was right in front of you the whole time, often requires being knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, sometimes after making a wish on a shooting star or dropping a coin in a magic fountain. But according to Fishman this rarely end in death, even when a second impact is required to return. "We can take solace in the fact that she likely had no more than 2 to 5 minutes of realizing that she had made a mistake by asking for that divorce from her husband of 15 years before the injury to her brain resulted in an inability to breathe, loss of consciousness, and finally death."

Sparky the Alabama Municipal Court Canine Judge has Died.....

Montgomery, AL -  Sparky, an Alabama dog first sworn in as a Montgomery municipal court judge in 2008, has died.

Sparky, a lifelong Republican, shown here at a 2016 fundraiser for Donald Trump

"Sparky will be missed around here," Montgomery city council president Cornelius Calhoun revealed. "As a judge, he never wavered in his faithful commitment to justice, demonstrating impartiality, independence, rationality, fairness, and reasonableness in every judgement. And as a dog, he was a good boy. A damn good boy."

First appointed in 2008, Sparky remains the only dog in United States history to have served as a municipal judge, and his judicial career was frequently controversial. According to Alabama historian Muskrat P. Coltrane, Sparky's behavior frequently pushed the envelope of courtroom decorum. "He may have been able to tell a good guy from a bad guy, but he sniffed a lot of crotches and left a lot of puddles in the process. And frankly, I'm still not convinced that it was a good idea."

Lucasfilm Announces Return of the Ewoks in Next Star Wars Film.....

San Francisco, CA -  American film and television production company Lucasfilm, best known for creating and producing the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, has announced the return of some familiar furry friends in the next Star Wars installment.

Miley Cyrus, who will be playing herself in the untitled future Star Wars movie, is already working on an original song for a scene in the iconic Mos Eisley cantina

"You asked and we listened," Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy explained. "It's the Ewoks! And it's a chance to answer some questions that fans have been asking for decades, like can they use the Force, did they eat the stormtroopers after the Battle of Endor, and can we do a scene where an Ewok and a Wookiee have sex?"

Kennedy added that fans of Wicket, the breakout star of the 1983 classic Attack of the Jedi played by former NFL star Warwick Dunn, will definitely not want to miss the new film. "A lot of time has passed, but Wicket is back thanks to time crystals and a little movie magic! He's older, wiser, and horny as fuck."

Republicans Issue Eras Tour (Taylor's Version) Warning.....

Washington, D.C. - Nearly two weeks after its debut on Disney+, Republican lawmakers in Washington are issuing a warning over the possibility of hidden messages in an updated version of the extremely popular Eras Tour concert film, particularly during segments handpicked by Taylor Swift herself.

Taylor Swift, shown here brazenly signaling a team of elite liberal operatives to vote for women's reproductive rights in November

"The streaming version of the Eras Tour available on Disney+ includes "cardigan" and four additional acoustic songs that Swift handpicked with little or no oversight from election officials," Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene explained. "Given her history of attempts to undermine our democracy in the past, we are worried that these segments of the concert contain credible, specific, and impending terrorist threats against the November presidential election, and we are calling for an immediate halt to its broadcast until an investigation can be completed."

A recording of the Eras Tour for theatrical release had already grossed more than $260 million at the global box office in the fall, making it the most profitable concert film in history. According to Disney CEO Bob Iger, Swift's concert is a true phenomenon and will continue to excite audiences wherever they are and regardless of how many sleeper cells could be activated. "Frankly, I have bigger problems to worry about than Taylor Swift conspiracy theories. The dailies on The Marvels: The Musical: The Series are garbage."

Chiropractors on Front Line in Fight Against Spontaneous Human Subluxation.....

Belvidere, NE - For over a century, chiropractors have recognized that the bones of the human spine can suddenly and inexplicably stop functioning properly or move out of alignment, often when we least expect it and even in newborn infants. The phenomenon, known as spontaneous human subluxation (SHS), has been described in thousands of chiropractic textbooks, papers published in peer-reviewed journals, and educational websites. Despite it's popularity, however, many conventional medical doctors maintain a state of childish ignorance on the subject.

A chiropractor, shown here providing gentle palliative spinal jackhammering for a child with spontaneous human subluxation who was recently placed on hospice with a prognosis of 80-90 years to live

Though the term "spontaneous human subluxation" was only coined in 1895 by the original chiropractor Daniel David Palmer, ancient cave paintings dating as far back as 17,500 BC depicted early humans holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. According to chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, DC, ancient Chinese and Greek civilizations were using manipulation to solve problems that they believed originated in the spine, such as as cervical grimp and total spinal collapse. "Hippocrates himself was always talking about the spine. He used to always say that knowledge of the spine was important because that's where all the good stuff is."

In 1895, Palmer discovered chiropractic medicine when he accidentally bumped into a guy who lived in his building. Later that day Jarvus P. Willard, who had been dealing with a cold for the past few days, thought maybe he felt a little better. Palmer realized that he had inadvertently knocked the man's spine back into a straight line like God intended. He would go on to develop a completely original science, built on ancient traditions, with the power to correct these misalignments, which he called spontaneous human subluxation. 

Palmer opened a clinic in the country's first strip mall in Davenport, Iowa, where he would work with patients to develop a treatment plan involving a series of specific spinal adjustments. After correct the patient's SHS, he would schedule maintenance visits until the patient died or decided that they didn't care about having optimal health. Sadly, Palmer would die from dysharmonic vibrosis that occurred as a result of typhoid fever a century before the invention of the Subluxatron Dermothermoneuromatic Stimugrasp 10000, which can pinpoint an SHS complex within a just few millimeters.

Chiropractic is a science that is at once both so obvious that a small child can grasp its inner workings and so mysterious that only a chosen few are privy to its true fundamental principles. Spinal misalignments are easy to understand in the context of a serious injury, like falling through an open manhole or looking down at an iPhone. The concept of a spontaneous subluxation, however, is a harder pill to swallow. But it's a pill full of knowledge and not synthetic chemicals pushed on us by the pharmaceutical industry.

There are decades of quality scientific research on SHS, much of it done near some of the most highly respected research facilities in the world. Grimes, DC, who in addition to being an expert on the history of chiropractic is offering a Spring into Spinal Health special with a full spinal exam, x-rays, and 3 free adjustments for only $99.99, says that spontaneous subluxations have been found in a variety of animal species during both experimental observation and in the wild. "We have seen them in apes, monkeys, mice, and even a snake once. I know a guy who found one in a hagfish, and they don't even have a vertebral column. Really makes you think, doesn't it?"

There is no legitimate doubt that spontaneous human subluxation exists, and can cause untold human suffering. And it is widely accepted by state governments and insurance companies that chiropractors can diagnose and manage them in exchange for money. The final mystery, naturally, is what causes them. Are there risk factors that make a person more likely to develop an SHS? Are there psychological or emotional factors at play? Is SHS a punishment from God or a test? The answer, Grimes, DC, revealed, is most definitely right around the corner. "We are close on this one. Like really close. Give us five more years, maybe ten, and we'll have it."

Conservative Expert Helps Parents Have "The Talk" with Kids.....

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk".

A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people

"Talking to kids about the border is never easy," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "But it's a very important talk to have, and we think that parents should start early with children as young as toddlers in an age-appropriate way using pictures, connect the dots worksheets, and maybe some matching games."

The new pamphlet, "How to Talk to Your Kids About the Border Before Somebody Else Does", gives conservative parents a number of helpful tips to get the conversation started. According to Artigues, an easy way to start is by simply using the right names for criminals who sneak into the country illegally. "Young children can understand that breaking the rules is wrong, and they will love the "Find the Illegals" activities included in our pamphlet. It's like Where's Waldo but with members of MS-13"  

The parenting experts at ACPeds know that children learn how to act and feel from other adults, friends and classmates, and the animated Rachel Maddow on MSNBC's Kidz Zone every Saturday morning. They believe that sharing your personal values with your children should be the cornerstone of a conservative education, and talking about the border early and often is the key. Finding an event, such as the early and unsubstantiated reports of a horrific murder or a scary expose of how fentanyl is being smuggled into the country from Mexico and hidden in random bake sale brownies by evil drug dealing liberal elite soccer moms, is the perfect opportunity to bring up this important topic.

"You can get the ball rolling," Artigues revealed. "But let your child lead the conversation. Be open and honest. If you aren't sure how to answer a question, tell them to trust that mommy and daddy know best and then tell them about replacement theory and the importance of having as many white babies as possible in order to preserve their culture. Be ready to reassure younger children that you won't let them be replaced, and that's why daddy keeps that loaded gun in the drawer next to his bed."

Building trust is an important component of communicating with young children. Artigues says that it's important for children to know that their parents will still love and support them no matter what decisions they make about the border. "Explain what the border is and what policies can lead to millions of criminals flooding into our country and the dangers we face. And be sure to talk about walls and barbed wire methods of prevention."

Finally, Artigues warns parents to avoid making assumptions. "Don't assume that your teen is conservative. He or she may have already been brainwashed by a book in their school library, a remake of an 80s movie with women in the lead roles instead of men, a man in a dress who is happy, or that time a woman who was born with a penis said she likes Bud Light."

Talking about the border is not the same as giving permission to go to the border. That's for armed militia members and politicians who can't get any meaningful legislation passed and are up for reelection. But having "the talk" helps your child to make the right decisions on their own with your guidance. And if you aren't comfortable talking to your child about the border, find another adult who is, such as youth pastor or former priest.

Eggland's Best Now Offering Good Enough Eggs at Discounted Prices.....

Malvern, PA - In an effort to reach an even wider customer base by expanding into lower-income markets, leading fresh egg brand Eggland's Best is now offering an additional tier of egg quality at discounted prices for people on a tight budget.

An elderly couple living on a fixed income, shown here finally able to gorge themselves on dozens of eggs a day thanks to Eggland's Best's new lower cost tier of "Good Enough" eggs

"At Eggland's Best, we take pride in providing our consumers with eggs that have superior nutrition, taste, variety, and freshness compared to ordinary eggs," Kurt Misialek, President and CEO of Eggland's Best, LLC, explained. "Now more people will be able to enjoy our eggs at a lower cost since they won't all be our best. I mean, our good enough eggs will still be pretty good, just not great. Let's call them average. Your basic egg. It's going to be a perfectly fine egg, don't get me wrong. I mean, it's not like we are going to be selling poor people eggs that are rotten or full of sawdust. It's just not going to win any egg awards. Does that make sense?"

Compared to ordinary eggs, Eggland's Best eggs contain six times more Vitamin D, 25% less saturated fat, more than twice the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12, and ten times more Vitamin E. According to Misialek, their best egg's superior nutrition comes from a proprietary all-vegetarian hen feed that contains healthy grains, canola oil, and a wholesome supplement of rice bran, alfalfa, sea kelp, and Vitamin E. "Our good enough eggs will still be nutritious, we just aren't going to feed the hens any sea kelp, rice bran, or any of the more expensive ingredients. It's still perfectly fine chicken feed. It's not like we will be selling Eggland's Worst or anything. Although I guess technically these eggs will be our worst, but that would be a terrible name from a marketing perspective. Could you imagine? If we did that? Yikes."